Reflections...

It is a good thing I am not reliant on 'sugar' to pay my way because I would definitely be in dire straits after five months of hunting. It has been an up and down five months to brutally honest, in all areas not just the hunt.

I have taken the time to become a God-mother. I have taken the time to grieve the loss of someone close to me. I think what has hit me the hardest recently is the lack of someone to share these things with. Not someone to hold my hand every day. Lord knows I am too independent for that! But someone whom I can share these with...

At one point, recently, I thought I was on my way to discovering that 'connection' type piece. And while we had yet to have a face-to-face meet yet, he had the type of voice that made my tummy do flip-flops. But... the connection was too new, to withstand my hibernation during my grief. Such is life; or in this case, death.

I was very fortunate with my last arrangement in that all of the 'I' 's were dotted and “T” 's were crossed. I created a business which, thankfully, has kept me busy over the past months. Not to mention we had, what I've been told recently, was called an 'exit plan.' Hmmm, and I thought it was just part of the arrangement... I understand this is something that many women do not think ahead for. Funny thing is, I didn't either... This was all Mr. J........ 's doing. I am eternally grateful as I did not have to jump at the first offer. I can choose to be picky if I want. I wonder if that makes me jaded?

I hope not.

I just want to find a worthwhile mental connection with someone and share some chemistry. I don't want someone who is just going to want... well you know, an hour of my time, every few days. Don't get me wrong, it is part and parcel, but in an arrangement it is only one piece. Besides, <laugh> with a mental connection AND chemistry it will be sooooo much more then an hour.

Maybe entering the 'sugar' world was not the right fit for me. After all, I have much more to offer then just 'sugar' for sugar. Maybe it is the quality of gentlemen who are being attracted to the SA site due to the recent publicity. Perhaps it is even more fundamental then that...

I was reading the sugar blogs; and reflecting on conversations I have had with gentlemen in recent months. While US men seem to be ripe for the sugar baby revolution they appear to be lacking in basic historical knowledge as they do not appear to understand or appreciate the benefits of the courtesan; a woman skilled in the ars amatoria. Further, I am almost to the point where it doesn't appear worth explaining the concept or even changing the explanation to include 'European-style mistress' helps. (thanks for the phrase. Dave M. , I almost forgot it existed <laugh>) . The lack of knowledge in the average US male is such a shame too. Because if one looks to history and the rise and decline of my historical sister and then compares it to the current status of the world; they would find that it could be just about time for the re-emergence of the courtesan in public society. But that is a topic for another day.

Perhaps my melancholy is due to the realization that, although it has been nice to have had my feet planted firmly on US soil lately, I will probably need to expand my search radius to countries outside of the States to find what I am looking for.

Then again, perhaps tonight's melancholy is more due to the holidays this week and upcoming. I am returning to my beloved New York and while I am normally so ecstatically delighted to be going home for the holiday season (I love NY at Christmas), I am disappointed that I, as of yet, have no one to skip the streets and see the shows with. Perhaps, I will go sit on Santa's lap and ask him for my deepest wishes this year...